During the fall of 2014, we managed to find ways to spend time together. We continued to train and ran a handful of races together. We rand errands together. You helped me with work projects. I came along for the ride on some of the places you needed to go for work. My kids were in school full time and we both had flexible schedules. We made sure each had time to get our jobs done, but the pull was there and we continued to spend a large amount of time together. We went to Westview football games. We talked, We went to happy hour. I met your parents. You told Patty and Carl about us, and I met them, too.
We Christmas shopped together. That was so fun, I'm smiling just writing about it. You are always up for driving all over the place to get whatever we need. You have a way about getting things done, but also making time for just hanging out and being together. Christmas was hard on us in some ways though. You knew you needed to be with your family, and felt torn on who you should be spending it with (your family, Patty and Carl, me?) and I have a tough time with the holidays since I'm always alone. There were some sad moment, but we made it through and even had an evening to ourselves for wrapping presents, watching movies and drinking something yummy.
That fall and winter were hard on me with my son acting up. You were such a source of comfort and stability for me. I appreciated that more than you probably knew. I could always talk to you and you were constantly reassuring me that I was doing my best, always ready to listen.
As we went further into the winter though, you started struggling again. Your sweet sister passed away. Your brother and his wife were doing what they could to make your family miserable. Your divorce was STILL dragging on. The day yet another one of your offers was turned down, I saw that same look in your eyes that I had seen the previous August. You were overwhelmed. You felt like you weren't in control of your life. With all the different variables, I was the only situation you felt any control over. You were once again feeling like the timing was wrong with us, and you broke up with me the day before your sisters funeral.
I was sad again, but I was also angry. We were in a much different place than we were in August. I felt like you knew how much you would be hurting me and you were going ahead with it anyway. I understood where you were coming from, but I couldn't get you to see why having me by your side would be good for you and not a detriment. You called it a breakdown, I called it self sabotage. I wanted you back so bad, but then I didn't. I wasn't sure I could get past how much you knowingly hurt me. You said things to me to deliberately hurt me (I might have said some very bad words), thinking it would make it easier on us to stay apart. It didn't work. Again we stayed in contact. Some days more than others. Ironically I was asked out two times that weekend, it made me physically sick. I had too much to drink and sent you a text telling you how much I love you, and how great of a person you were. You sent me a text telling me that you were keeping a journal of your thoughts and feelings, trying to make sense of what was happening and what you were feeling and why.
During that time I went hiking by myself. Every time I turned a corner I thought of a time we had been on that trail, things we had talked about. I cried as I hiked. Once again, it was so hard for me because I knew who you were. I knew what kind of man you were and I wasn't going to go down without a fight! You were worth fighting for. You were unlike anyone I had every met, and what I felt for you was unlike anything I've ever felt.
Just like before, we went back and forth a little. That was painful. But, I didn't care what was happening as long as I had any ounce of hope. I'll never forget the day I felt real hope again. It's so random, it was in the middle of the day about a week and a half after the day we broke up.I was sitting on my floor blow drying my hair and I randomly text you to see how you were. You said you had been going over your journal entries. I asked what you gained out of reading your written thoughts. What you said shocked me. "Vauson is real."
Vauson is such a corny name! Oh so bad! But it was made up as a joke and stuck around. As dorky as it was and is, it was ours. We called ourselves Vauson and anytime we have said something at the same time, which has been often, we said it's a Vauson moment.We want and feel the same things at the same time. It's also called a Vauson mind meld.
When you said Vauson is real, my heart dropped. I asked you what you meant, I didn't want to get too far ahead of myself. You said you knew your feelings for me were real, what we had was real, and you weren't even sure of what you were doing, had done, or why. We talked about how much you had going on, how carrying such a load made you feel like you needed to drop something in order to stay afloat. But, you were feeling better and felt like you had once again had a breakdown but had come out of it. I remember taking things a slower than we had before. I was so happy to think about having you in my life, but was very apprehensive because I didn't know how long it would last. You told me you knew you loved me, and felt like you could handle what was going on in your life along with a relationship with me. Good! Because I was not going to lose you. I knew already that I wanted you in my life forever.
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